{I’m still dancing alone with the way it was}

Dear God-

I suck.

You don’t.

Will you help me stop dwelling on what I feel like I’m missing?

...Lea  

"The source of our inspiration in our service for God is behind us, not ahead of us. The tendency today is to put the inspiration out in front— to sweep everything together in front of us and make it conform to our definition of success. But in the New Testament the inspiration is put behind us, and is the Lord Jesus Himself. The goal is to be true to Him— to carry out His plans. Personal attachment to the Lord Jesus and to His perspective is the one thing that must not be overlooked."

                            - My Utmost for His Highest, October 26th 

where {we} belong

I’m leaving Arkansas.

Well, just for a weekend that is. I’m heading off to the magnificent state of North Carolina, which is 2 hours away from the home of my new music crush: needtobreathe. And  also the current home of my dear family. NC also claims one of my best friends....and I get to see her pretty face as well. Can we call this weekend a win? Pretty sure that’s a yes that deserves and exclamation mark: YES!

How crazy is it to look back and see where you were and compare it to where you are now? Currently, I’m looking at my situation now compared to the situation I wanted four months ago. Where do I come off thinking that I know what I’m doing? Ha! I can’t imagine where I’d be without God’s invisible hand moving in my life. I think I realized this when....

 I was in the car with my boss for 5-ish hours on Tuesday and we had a great discussion about politics, leadership, community, and faith. I can’t tell you what a blessing it is to have such a positive and mature role-model in my life. To be uplifting while also maintaining a professional attitude is beyond what I could have ever asked for.

This job completely fell into my lap. It was hard and definitely unsettling to know that I would be beyond poor this year. Working for Americorps is humbling, difficult, and definitely a time to realize that life isn’t just about making money. It’s about making a mark, and not working a day in your life (if you like your job, it won’t be considered work!). It’s about servant-hearted leadership, mentorship, giving and giving when you have nothing left to give. It’s about God’s overflow into your life, and your overflow into others’ lives.

Where we ALL belong is in a place of God’s will. But sometimes, while we’re so busy with seeking it out, we find that it was right in front of us all along. Seeking out what God  has for us can put us into a haze of “me, me, me” and can distract us from God calling us to love the world. Where we belong is in God’s current. While he’s directing us, we’re supposed to pull people into the current with us... and we’ll all swim together! (cheesy? Maybe...)

I love where I belong. Whether it’s in Arkansas, North Carolina, Georgia, Africa, Arizona, Colorado. Single or Married. Mother or not. Because I know that’s the place where I will know God most intimately where I will fulfill my purpose most fully.

 Now I have a purpose

Now I have a destiny

You made me for your glory 

You made me for your glory 

I was made for love. 

{persistence}

I’ve been doing a lot of driving. Commuting to and from work every day is interesting. It’s only been three days and I feel like I’ve attained a year’s worth of “traffic driving” knowledge. For instance- don’t flinch if someone flips you off for no reason, he’s just a grouchy pants. And, my new co-worker, who is wonderful, suggested that I name my (future) coffee shop- Cranky’s Coffee. Perfect.

A word that has been resonating for a while is consistency. And in my brain, when I think of one word, I think of a ba-gillion others that could possibly be related. So, in this case- repetition, fluidity, resilience, and persistence come to mind.

I’ve been applying the word “consistent” to a lot of different areas in my life. It’s funny, because even if there’s change, consistency can still function just fine. I think it’s the consistent people that you want to have around whenever change comes.

With the parentals moving to North Carolina in 1.5 weeks, I can still see consistency in the love they have, and the examples they set for me in my own life: responsibility, love, tenderness, hard-work, and ultimately- support.

I’ve had consistent leadership throughout my life. In the ministry I’ve been involved in, I’ve seen biblically true leadership, in the context of male and female. I couldn’t be more grateful for that.

There’s been a lack of consistency when it comes to me and the relationships I’ve been in. Something always just stops. And it’s usually abrupt. Which has really pushed me to a place of questioning, and right now, I guess I could say I’m in a much better place than I was a month ago.

I think it’s consistency that I crave. Not saying that I crave a perfect life, where nothing bad happens (that’s naïve), but rather a life where I know that something will always be solid enough for me to stand on. I can stand on my parents, my family, and my friends…

…but most importantly- when I hear the words:

“Higher than the mountains that I face

Stronger than the power of the grave

Constant through the trial and the change

One thing remains:

Your love never fails

It never runs out on me”

How good is it to know that my God is consistent and never changing. If there’s one thing I know I need right now in my life- it’s consistency- the kind that is reliable, and urges me on to be a persistent follower of Christ.