{wrestling}

First things first, the source of everything to follow comes from  Oswald Chambers's My Utmost for His Highest.


Pretty sure this book makes me want to paint buildings with its wisdom and shout to the world that there are no longer any valid excuses for not wanting to read the bible. It's text supports, colors, and enlivens God's word in a way that is easy to read and encouraging to live.


I think about life often. Who doesn't? From thinking, I think I've realized that I'm a fighter. Not the good kind- you know like Rocky? or someone that has overcome a huge hurdle in their life? Yeah, I wish. I'm the kind that will fight the dumb things, mostly things that I know are good for me, but they aren't what I waaaaaaaaant (whiney voice).


Can you picture a rock climber? okay good. The task is the wall of rock before you. The objective is to reach the top. You're life pretty much depends on a harness and the little spikey things you stick in the rock to clip into (I hope my knowledge impresses you....joke!).


Okay, here's the point: How much sense does it make to fight the one thing that's holding you together? "Okay God, I disagree with you, and I'm pretty sure I can manage on my own, my own way" is pretty much the same as tossing your little clippy things off the mountain and loosening up your harness. Okay, that's more comfortable... (joke again).


Why wrestle with God? We can wrestle God all day long, but afterwards- we'll find that we're crippled even more than before and we've wasted all of that time thinking about ourselves when we could have been "out there" tag-teaming it and wrecking havoc in the world of "human nature" and "pain and suffering" (in a good way). What is that phrase? And if a house be divided against itself, that house cannot stand. Mark 3:25. 


Rather than wrestling with God, l want to wrestle before God- with him cheering me on and giving me what I need to overcome the things that he puts in my way. Why am I wasting so much time with wrestling for things that I think I want? 


I'm silly. Thanks Oswald. You've humbled me once again with your inspiring words. 




Merrrrrrrrrrrrrry Christmas! only 8 more days... 

{whispers of a well-lit way}

 Fall is my favorite. It’s like a fire has been lit inside of me that warms my being and calms me. Fall and I could be the kind of friends that may go a year without seeing each other, but in being reunited, we find that we were never too far apart. I would go as far to say that I’m in love with Fall. Sure, love. It works.

Love is round and it’s meant to be deep. And from what I’ve heard, love is hard. It’s sneaky, and it catches you off guard. It whispers “sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice.” What’s romantic about that? Not much. From what I know of deep feelings, I think they root themselves in the unreached places and light small fires in the corners that were once undiscovered. Once the corners have been warmed, and the roots have sunk in, we want it to stay that way forever. Because, it’s nice.

Shiny object.

Working close with charities, I hear a lot about the homeless population. I actually got to help out a time or two with a soup kitchen downtown Little Rock. I overheard the kitchen ladies chatting... “You know, they try to sneak the food out with them because, God forbid, they think it won’t be here tomorrow. They think the food will run out, and there won’t be enough for them.”

A person such as this, so afraid that the one thing they need to survive will eventually run out, is no different from me. They desire food. I desire love.  

What it comes down to- God is love. And time and time again, God reveals himself through Jesus. Who is said to be the “Bread.” Manna. The Lord’s Supper.

God warms me. He lights small fires in corners of my being that were dark before. He roots himself in my heart and won’t ever let go. That’s the sustenance I need, the fulfillment that can be matched by no other.

I just have to keep reminding myself...

Manna in my mind.
(it's snow...) credits: Pioneer Woman

{a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven}

Can we just talk about how the seasons are SO applicable to our lives as followers of Christ? It's all about the shedding away, and rebuilding. Death and rebirth. Beauty and (what we consider to be) ugliness. It's remarkable how the world around us reminds us in more ways than one that we are God's children and he insists on teaching us through experience. 


How else will we really learn?


God please burn the images of the seasons into my brain, that I will always be able to hold on to them as a reminder that as you break me down, you are preparing me for spring- a time of beauty and fruit. 

{I’m still dancing alone with the way it was}

Dear God-

I suck.

You don’t.

Will you help me stop dwelling on what I feel like I’m missing?

...Lea  

"The source of our inspiration in our service for God is behind us, not ahead of us. The tendency today is to put the inspiration out in front— to sweep everything together in front of us and make it conform to our definition of success. But in the New Testament the inspiration is put behind us, and is the Lord Jesus Himself. The goal is to be true to Him— to carry out His plans. Personal attachment to the Lord Jesus and to His perspective is the one thing that must not be overlooked."

                            - My Utmost for His Highest, October 26th 

where {we} belong

I’m leaving Arkansas.

Well, just for a weekend that is. I’m heading off to the magnificent state of North Carolina, which is 2 hours away from the home of my new music crush: needtobreathe. And  also the current home of my dear family. NC also claims one of my best friends....and I get to see her pretty face as well. Can we call this weekend a win? Pretty sure that’s a yes that deserves and exclamation mark: YES!

How crazy is it to look back and see where you were and compare it to where you are now? Currently, I’m looking at my situation now compared to the situation I wanted four months ago. Where do I come off thinking that I know what I’m doing? Ha! I can’t imagine where I’d be without God’s invisible hand moving in my life. I think I realized this when....

 I was in the car with my boss for 5-ish hours on Tuesday and we had a great discussion about politics, leadership, community, and faith. I can’t tell you what a blessing it is to have such a positive and mature role-model in my life. To be uplifting while also maintaining a professional attitude is beyond what I could have ever asked for.

This job completely fell into my lap. It was hard and definitely unsettling to know that I would be beyond poor this year. Working for Americorps is humbling, difficult, and definitely a time to realize that life isn’t just about making money. It’s about making a mark, and not working a day in your life (if you like your job, it won’t be considered work!). It’s about servant-hearted leadership, mentorship, giving and giving when you have nothing left to give. It’s about God’s overflow into your life, and your overflow into others’ lives.

Where we ALL belong is in a place of God’s will. But sometimes, while we’re so busy with seeking it out, we find that it was right in front of us all along. Seeking out what God  has for us can put us into a haze of “me, me, me” and can distract us from God calling us to love the world. Where we belong is in God’s current. While he’s directing us, we’re supposed to pull people into the current with us... and we’ll all swim together! (cheesy? Maybe...)

I love where I belong. Whether it’s in Arkansas, North Carolina, Georgia, Africa, Arizona, Colorado. Single or Married. Mother or not. Because I know that’s the place where I will know God most intimately where I will fulfill my purpose most fully.

 Now I have a purpose

Now I have a destiny

You made me for your glory 

You made me for your glory 

I was made for love. 

{persistence}

I’ve been doing a lot of driving. Commuting to and from work every day is interesting. It’s only been three days and I feel like I’ve attained a year’s worth of “traffic driving” knowledge. For instance- don’t flinch if someone flips you off for no reason, he’s just a grouchy pants. And, my new co-worker, who is wonderful, suggested that I name my (future) coffee shop- Cranky’s Coffee. Perfect.

A word that has been resonating for a while is consistency. And in my brain, when I think of one word, I think of a ba-gillion others that could possibly be related. So, in this case- repetition, fluidity, resilience, and persistence come to mind.

I’ve been applying the word “consistent” to a lot of different areas in my life. It’s funny, because even if there’s change, consistency can still function just fine. I think it’s the consistent people that you want to have around whenever change comes.

With the parentals moving to North Carolina in 1.5 weeks, I can still see consistency in the love they have, and the examples they set for me in my own life: responsibility, love, tenderness, hard-work, and ultimately- support.

I’ve had consistent leadership throughout my life. In the ministry I’ve been involved in, I’ve seen biblically true leadership, in the context of male and female. I couldn’t be more grateful for that.

There’s been a lack of consistency when it comes to me and the relationships I’ve been in. Something always just stops. And it’s usually abrupt. Which has really pushed me to a place of questioning, and right now, I guess I could say I’m in a much better place than I was a month ago.

I think it’s consistency that I crave. Not saying that I crave a perfect life, where nothing bad happens (that’s naïve), but rather a life where I know that something will always be solid enough for me to stand on. I can stand on my parents, my family, and my friends…

…but most importantly- when I hear the words:

“Higher than the mountains that I face

Stronger than the power of the grave

Constant through the trial and the change

One thing remains:

Your love never fails

It never runs out on me”

How good is it to know that my God is consistent and never changing. If there’s one thing I know I need right now in my life- it’s consistency- the kind that is reliable, and urges me on to be a persistent follower of Christ. 

grace in learning

so, I haven't done this in a while. and for all of you who will probably never read this, we'll just call this post something that is for my own good, rather than you readers out there. :)

Learning is something that is necessary in life, and no matter how hard I try, I will never actually be able to disregard it. It will, for the most part, shape who I am, who I will be, and how I will view my past adventures. I've learned a lot in the past few months.

First, is that God will never leave, no matter how stupid I am/act. (Did you know that I'm really good at being an emotional blobby girl?) His grace really does overflow, and with all of my holes, the overflow will be a definite plus.

Second, is that you shouldn't answer the door to creepy men who ask for plastic spoons. That one is a must.

Strength comes from unexpected places. I really do believe that strength is born out of change, and that change, no matter how ugly or surprising, has the capacity to be a good thing.

Laughter is the daughter of joy, and joy, my friends, is irreplaceable, and is coupled with peace, love, and certainty. Certainty in the fact that there is always something at work that is greater than ourselves. Without sounding too cliche, I have the coolest God ever. He gives me these unexpected little gifts and spurts of joy that I know I don't deserve.

Lastly, I receive grace freely on a daily basis, therefore it will always be in my life-plan to have grace for everyone that I've ever loved, or will love. (which is probably you.)

"why should I feel discouraged?
why should the shadows come?
why should my heart feel lonely,
and long for Heav'n and home
when Jesus is my portion?
a constant friend is He.
I sing because I'm happy
I sing because I'm free
His eye is on the sparrow...
I know he watches over me."

(best by Lauryn Hill)

Peace out. 
Lea.

"and if someday I find a peace of mind, I will share my wealth with all of human kind"

Ben Harper is great, that's where the title came from.

Sometimes, I wish I...

...didn't lose faith so easily.
...didn't misplace everything I touch.
...could go to Ireland, right here, right now.
...could give people faith.
...could keep my kitchen clean longer than two days.
...had a wand to clean my apartment and do the laundry.
...could squish more time into a day.
...was more confident.
...could go to a Ray LaMontagne concert.


well, here's to wishing no more... just doing.

it's thursday... and for some reason this verse comes to mind.

"Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS. I will say it again, rejoice!" -amen.

happy day. :)

-Lea

I wish that I knew what I know now (when I was younger)

So, the title of this post could be relevant...or may not be. But either way, I really like that song. (you should give it a go).

X) Excitement of the day: anxiously awaiting the 6 inches of snow expected for tomorrow/school is O-U-T.
Y) Time well spent: Finishing the resume (!) and attending a discussion panel hosted by the UCA religious studies department on "Is there a link between religion and violence?" (Please, let me know your thoughts...)

So, wishing that I knew what i know now when I was younger has stemmed from a place of future-pondering. Lately, as I've been reading up on the job field of PR, self-doubt and anxiety have taken a front-row seat on the "Let's see where Lea goes in life" show. Should I doubt my education? Should I ease my way in to the PR work crew? I'm a little bit scared to dive in. I'm definitely with the kiddos who, in swimming lessons ,want to cheat and stick their feet out before falling forward. BUT, the past has told me that experience will teach me, and I have a master-guide (Jesus, duh) who will show me the ropes.

Carrying on.

I'm thankful for the people that are placed randomly strategically throughout my days. The kid who cracks a smile. The person that opens the door for me. The lady I sit next to commenting on the weather. The guy I'm hoping didn't see me just trip. (go figure).  I was thinking today about how I've met all of the important people in my life. Most of them were encounters that I had nothing to do with. One, I met while riding a bicycle with my oh-so-cool Barbie helmet (thanks mom). Others were randomly placed roommates. They were placed by a master-planner, who sees the whole tapestry, when I'm just ONE thread. way cool to think about.

My life is on purpose. The plans of my day revolve around a greater purpose. Not because I'm special or that I'm some ultra-deserving person that is super duper awesome, but because I have a Savior that cares. Se llama Jesus.


Dueces gooses.

-Lea

SNOW-SLEDDING TIME!!!! (Go flush an ice-cube)

"In the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you."

The battle isn't quite over...school that is. Only four more months!! Or something like that.

Something I've been thinking about recently... why am I so obsessed with my future? I've decided to hold on the me that I am now. Because 5 months from now, I could be faced with a new me which could leave me wishing I would have held on to the old me a little while longer....

 Besides, if I'm so worried about who I want to be in the future, I could turn into one of those fishies out of Finding Nemo with a light dangling in front of its face, always trying to swim towards it and never quite reaching it.

                                          (but not quite this scary looking, I hope)



Wednesdays are great. They are the bomb to my diggidy.

The song I can't seem to stop playing: one of my secret happy places.
New movie I never really want to see again, but it was good enough to watch once: sigh.

(Quote: Leo Tolstoy)

loved always,

Lea

You bring crocosmia and fuschias...

I'm not sure if I'm real great at this blogging thing...but a few things I've learned about life in the past few weeks.

1. Family is not to be taken lightly. Especially mine. They crave the feeling of meaningfulness in my life, and they want me to take full advantage of their love for me. They serve me, encourage me, ask questions about my life, and most importantly- love me beyond my faults...thats a brave thing to do. Even for families that have fallen apart, there's still something worth salvaging, there's always a healing that can emerge from loving despite past failures.

2. Christmas, as a child, was a time of excitement, expectation, and joy that reminded me of how cool Christmas songs are and the wonderful taste of eggnog and spiced cider. But this year, I got a good peek into the life of an adult at Christmas time and how it affects a family. My mom does a great job of reminding us why we partake in Christmas festivities and what the real reason for the season is: family and of course, Christ's birth. Looking forward to another year!!

3. You can't please everyone...

4. Life is one of those things that you learn about as you go...A smart man once told me that as obstacles arise and hardships unfold, we have no other choice but to rise to the occasion. Our instinct kicks in and we take off. Praise God.

5. Friends- make some, because they're definitely worth it. They make the bad times good, and the good times even better. (who said that?)

New music love: Lisa Hannigan
New movie love: You'll never guess...

Remember: You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. (Eleanor Roosevelt)

peace, love, and textbooks. (they're expensive)